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Saturday
January 28, 2012
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Recent Items
By Online Authors
jackrawlins's Portfolio!

Preferred Author
Offline or Private
Last Online: Yesterday

Est. April 25, 2007
Smiling Jack
I'm a tough old coot with a soft heart. I've romped and rumbled with the rowdiest, but I easily mist up at both happy and sad occasions. I like to make people (including me) feel, think, and laugh. I've had lots of opportunities. I'm a USN veteran of the Korean War, a graduate of Temple U., and I've enjoyed over half a century in marketing, advertising, public relations, sales, and (currently) freelance writing.
Highlighted Items:

Email Order Groom  [13+]   3.7 KB
A new groom suffers culture shock at his first Thanksgiving.

The Turkey Talker  [18+]   6.9 KB
Maud Snorkel gives a turkey a stay of execution.

Give Thanks You Are Not Us  [13+]   3.7 KB
A turkey offers his perspective on common turkey raising practices.

Let's Make a Baby  [13+]   0.7 KB
A lady student asks a male classmate for help with a project.

Crotch Shot Academy  [13+]   5.8 KB
A comedian losses his sense of humor and struggles to make a comeback.

When Is Momma Coming Home?  [E]   5.1 KB
This is a story about the death of a child's mother told from the child's point of view.

Tooter Tabasco & The Hotties Xmas Redux  [18+]   4.2 KB
An orchestra of "has beens" tries for a comeback via a free performance.

Zoo Buddies  [13+]   5.5 KB
An elephant and giraffe discuss the Santa Barbara snow leopard festival.

Give Thanks You Are Not Us  [13+]   3.7 KB
A turkey offers his perspective on common turkey raising practices.

The Whip Mistress  [18+]   2.9 KB
A wealthy entrepreneur describes her business model as the key to her success.

Missing for Action  [13+]   5.4 KB
A cat calls on cat cliche's to tell of his adventures.

While Strollilng Through the Park...  [18+]   5.5 KB
A gentleman meets a lady in the park working on her tan.

My Epitaph  [E]   28.0 KB
Write your own epitaph before it's too late to edit.

Lockdown at Alley-opp Girls' High  [18+]   4.1 KB
A security officer gets mobbed when he tries to breakup a fight.

The Flush of Success  [13+]   3.3 KB
Potty training is a challenge. Just ask the children. Here's one child's perspective.

The Gospel According to Izzy Schwartz  [13+]   3.8 KB
This is not a politically correct version of creation of the internet.

'Tis the Season for Some Folly  [18+]   5.8 KB
A gentleman meets a very strange lady at the Oak Bar.

Lucky Eddie & the Little Black Cloud  [13+]   5.3 KB
A man out for a Sunday walk is pursued by a little black cloud that changes his life.

The Cheerios Incident  [18+]   5.2 KB
A mother and teenage son have a somewhat heated discussion about one of his friends.

 Butterflies on the Oprah Show  [18+]   5.4 KB
Oprah releases three hundred butterflies on her show and keeps one on as a guest..

It Was a Dark & Stormy Afternoon When...  [18+]   3.3 KB
Ignoring concerns for his safety, an early researcher discovers a shocking truth.

Nothing But Lint in My Pocket  [18+]   4.4 KB
A gentleman has a close encounter of the best kind, that almost had an unhappy ending.

A Good Pair of Drawers Is Hard to Find  [13+]   5.0 KB
An exercise instructor has a coming out party

The Exit Interview  [13+]   6.8 KB
Not everyone appreciates Ziggy's sense of humor. Will he ever understand why they don't?

A Frog He Would A-wooing Go...mmm...mmm  [18+]   4.2 KB
A tale of romance told from a frog's perspective

Drusba Dry Soda Introduced  [18+]   3.7 KB
A manufacturer briefs media reps about a revolutionary approach to soft drinks.

Jack's Journal  [E]   5.4 KB
A day in the life of a rodent control novice.

Impulse Control  [18+]   4.9 KB
An impulse control therapist counsels a phone caller.

"Ah, the Luck of the Jewish!"  [18+]   6.0 KB
An importer of Irish products, ends up owning a pub in Blarney.

Jill O’Smiley:TV Shanker-Woman  [13+]   4.4 KB
A TV anchor gets superpowers after a transfusion.

A New Begining  [E]   2.7 KB
The world has changed drastically. Time for a new start.

National Scoundrel's Day  [E]   2.6 KB
A card company introduces another industry money-maker

Orientation  [13+]   4.8 KB
A new class is welcomed by the headmaster who outlines what they should expect.

The Last Buffet  [13+]   2.8 KB
An unhappy employee is forced to attend an industry function with her new boss.

The Firing Squad of Pedagogy  [E]   3.0 KB
The grammar police catch a repeat offender and he is sentenced to die.

The Expatriates  [E]   5.8 KB
Eight squirrels crash Bernie's fortieth birthday party.

Peter Panned  [E]   3.6 KB
An actor with a special gift auditions for a musical parody of Peter Pan.

The Bilingual Kitty  [E]   4.4 KB
A kitty gets bounced about while she seeks love and comfort.

How to stay put while you escape winter  [18+]   4.4 KB
Dr. Innuendo offers advice to combat seasonal affective disorder.

The Zambia Hippo Census of 2009  [13+]   2.8 KB
A participant in the annual hippo census gets shafted by a native.

The Selection Process  [13+]   3.7 KB
A man can't cope with being in love with twins.

Giggleworm Wiggles Her Way Out  [13+]   3.2 KB
Dr. Frank N. Stein creates a a creature that is laughable on demand.

 Joe Mistletoe and the Star Trek Bike  [13+]   4.2 KB
An businessman partners with an orangutan in a unique enterprise

The Panty Rescue that Made Patty Famous   [18+]   4.0 KB
In the 50's college panty raids were a fad. This story's about a student who fought back.

Does This Make Me Look Fat?  [13+]   3.4 KB
A male columnist offers advice to a man in trouble for a dumb remark.

Hymie the Rhymer's Big Score  [18+]   5.8 KB
A private investigator redeems a chit of gratitude.

The Turkey Talker  [18+]   6.9 KB
Maud Snorkel gives a turkey a stay of execution.

Stuff the Magic Dragon  [13+]   3.3 KB
A new video game is very successful until the musical director gets greedy.

"Hey Guys. Watch This!"  [13+]   3.7 KB
A class show off is put down with a slam dunking.

The Short Way to Tipperary  [18+]   11.2 KB
Bizarre things happen to a gentleman when he gets lost on a shortcut to Tipperary.

Lawrence of Suburbia  [13+]   3.7 KB
A suburbanite becomes an explorer for one day and makes an important discovery.

The Jeans-Tucker  [13+]   2.1 KB
A new invention, destined for oblivion, is announced by optimistic marketers.

Conversational Magic  [13+]   5.2 KB
A couple cope with a power outage that may last a long time.

This I Believe  [E]   1.6 KB
An eighty-year old man reflects on the influence of the Boy Scouts on his life,

The Phantom Defecator  [13+]   22.9 KB
A serial defecator proves an illusive quarry for the Lestchester police.

Uncle Charlie's Bentley  [18+]   3.7 KB
Uncle Charlie is a crusty character, but a generous one who loves his nephew.

The Express Lane  [ASR]   0.5 KB
A gentleman handles rude behavior in a non gentle manner.

Something Special for the Elves  [13+]   0.5 KB
Mrs. Claus offers an unexpected benefit to Santa's helpers.

Santa Wants a New Job  [E]   3.6 KB
Santa would like a new job--as long as it's not too taxing.

Santa's Last Trip  [13+]   6.1 KB
Santa is temporarily grounded when he loses the key to his sleigh

When the Dragons Came to Barney Castle  [ASR]   3.8 KB
Three old dragons make an anti-social call on an old adversary.

Jimmy the Scammer  [E]   3.4 KB
Jimmy sets a good example of what not to do in a job interview.

Email Order Groom  [13+]   3.7 KB
A new groom suffers culture shock at his first Thanksgiving.

Teddy's Spin Doctor  [E]   3.1 KB
The Presidents ratings are down. He wants them up.

A Rant from the Deep  [E]   3.1 KB
Look out! The world's whale population is ready to fight back.

Mr. Hornswoggle’s Claxophonectomy  [13+]   4.1 KB
A surgeon removes a politician's trouble-making gland.

Sinner Ella  [18+]   10.4 KB
When Ella attends the Prince's ball, she leaves minus one of her Prada Pumps.

Circumcise-able Evidence  [18+]   3.7 KB
A man is called from hell by a former buddy who wants him to get rid of some evidence.

Missonary Stew  [13+]   11.7 KB
A short order cook is recruited by a powerful despot to join his kitchen staff.

The Great White Truffle of Alba  [E]   5.3 KB
The adventures of a truffle hunter and his dog.

Happy Birthday, Bernie  [13+]   3.7 KB
A gentleman has a revealing chat with his mirror on his fortieth birthday..

Pecker Head  [13+]   3.6 KB
A chat between two gentlemen standing next to one another in the men's room.

My Son, the Pornographer  [18+]   7.0 KB
A writer of erotica wants his mother's approval

A Gift to Remember  [18+]   3.4 KB
A nephew gives his uncle a gift that is lively, touching and memorable.

The Day Tonto Got Axed  [18+]   3.6 KB
The Lone Ranger decides to can Tonto.

The Magic Garden of Eating  [E]   3.8 KB
A farm marketer is questioned by produce.

It’s Not Always Fun to be King  [18+]   3.6 KB
King George reviews the “Declaration of Independence” with Thomas Jefferson.

Turf War in the Pine Barrens  [18+]   17.4 KB
Two campers save their special place from destruction.

Beauty and The Beach  [13+]   4.3 KB
An old guy tells a lady he's a movie producer. Is he?

Albert's Day of Infamy  [E]   4.5 KB
Albert's first day of kindergarten is his worst day.

 Praying Mantis Visits a Sex Therapist  [18+]   3.4 KB
A praying mantis visits a therapist to discuss his concerns about mating.

Forsooth  [13+]   3.7 KB
A contest judge and contributor discuss the issue of response time.

The Friendly Red-Eye Special  [13+]   0.8 KB
A witch is brooming it to a meeting in Salem, MA when Boston police hold up her flight.

How Herman Lost His Hymen  [18+]   7.6 KB
A young woman is troubled by a promise to her fiance that she can no longer honor.

Doing the Right Thing  [13+]   3.2 KB
An entrepreneur with a talent for expediting business deals gets screwed.

The Chicken Whisperer  [13+]   6.3 KB
A man terrorized by a large flock of scary chickens calls Animal Control for help..

A Toast  [13+]   1.9 KB
A Mother's Day tribute from a loving son.

Prepping for the Vegas Strip  [13+]   0.8 KB
Talented triplets launch their act and careers as show dancers.

Travels with a Booger Man  [18+]   3.1 KB
Sometimes when you're driving a passenger's habits can be annoying.

Family Ties Without Goodbyes  [18+]   2.9 KB
A college student home for Spring Break takes on a special project.